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Going it Alone
Stories of Separation
Separating for one or more tours is a new experience for most Foreign Service families. What's it like on the home front? Here are a few personal stories.
You may also want to read, Marriage Across the Miles, an article that includes personal stories of unaccompanied tours abroad, or Seven Months and Counting, one spouse's advice on enjoying an unaccompanied year in Washington, DC.
From Lynn, State Department spouse
I have just completed a year on SMA while my husband was in Baghdad. I spent the year living in Virginia. I was fortunate and found a job with EAP as a contractor for the year. I was also also very fortunate in that my mother decided to take a year away from her home and moved in with me.
It was great having my mom with me and it certainly helped. I spent the year reconnecting with the U.S. with my children. We had our pets with us, so it was no problem. I also chose to have all of my HHE and my storage given to me. It was a great opportunity to go through all of my things and to make some decisions on things now that we had a few tours under our belts.
We didn't really have too much trouble starting to receive the SMA payments although it was not immediate. I just asked my husband to follow up.
One of the good things us was that he was issued a cell phone with a New York phone number. Since we have a Vonage telephone with an unlimited calling plan, we talked almost every day. Granted it's not the same as being there but it really did help us to stay connected with what was going on in each other's lives.
It was definitely a challenging time, but it didn't last forever. We chose to take home leave before my husband went to Baghdad and he helped to get us settled before he left. This was extremely helpful. Even though it was a direct transfer to our next post, we worked it out for him to be able to come through DC and we were then able to come to post as a family. Our timing was such that we had just missed on the new regulation that allows a special home leave after Iraq service.
I think being in DC and working at Main state was great for me. I felt very connected to things and was able to easily get answers and help when I needed it. Having my husband with me on both ends even though I did a big portion of the work on the arrangements was very comforting. Having my mom with me was a big help and certainly was great so that I had someone to talk to about things. For me, I don't think that I would have been as happy or felt as connected if I had stayed with her in Oklahoma for the year. Also, even though it was a rental, having my own place helped me to feel settled and independent and not as if I was just marking time for a year.
From Melissa, State Department spouse
I'm 9 months into SMA while my husband is in The Sudan. We had a little trouble getting the allowance, and ended up missing out on about three weeks worth. Our daughter was born halfway through the tour, and I think we missed out on a couple of weeks of the increase as well. We just let it go, but it's frustrating -- if you're entitled to that money, it should be yours no matter when you file for it.
It took the
usual 2+ months to get my HHE, which isn't so bad but it should've been
faster. My advice: don't be in a situation where you desperately need
your shipment or the SMA money, so that if they don't arrive in a timely manner you can still cope.
As for the personal side, I think it must vary wildly from case to case
depending on your relationship with your spouse and with your family, if you stay with them. I'm living in Los Angeles with my dad, in my old
bedroom, with my new baby. It's a little strange, but I can't imagine
having to do this on my own! I didn't have to get a job, I didn't have
to find and furnish an apartment, etc. It was a tough adjustment moving
back into my childhood home, but I don't think I would have tried this
otherwise.
My husband and I talk on the phone at least every other day, usually for about 90 minutes. About half the time he has access to an internet
phone with a DC number, so those calls are free. The rest of the time,
we spend $300 to $500 a month on phone calls. We email every day, and
now that our daughter has been born I send him new pictures every single day. It's been really hard to be separated, especially on him since
he's so isolated. For me, the upside is getting to reconnect with my family
and friends here. It's especially nice that the grandparents get to
spend time with the baby.
If we knew what we know now, we would definitely still choose to do
this. But we are also in agreement that we will never do it again,
especially now that we have a child.
Email your story to webmaster@aafsw.org.