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Going It Alone
Seven Months and Counting…
Contributed in October 2007 by a State Department spouse who prefers to remain anonymous.
We are almost halfway through a year-long unaccompanied tour for my husband. It has been difficult in some ways, but not as hard as one might expect. Since we were already posted to Washington, I stayed here with our two children, a preteen and a teenager. So, keeping in mind that this has been my experience, here are a few tips for anyone who is currently staying here, or is considering staying here during an unaccompanied tour.
Take care of your spouse.
It’s easy to forget that an unaccompanied tour is, in fact, a move. And, like any move, it requires quite a bit of organization. My husband, though he is a fairly organized and domestically inclined person, still had trouble coordinating his HHE and UAB. This was partly because he was so stressed out about leaving, but partly because this had always been my job! It was in both our interests that I pitch in and help him shop and pack. We saved a lot of money because I went through our kitchen and found nearly enough duplicate items to equip his bachelor kitchen. (I’m not actually sure I want all that stuff back!) There were many decisions to be made, from how to handle money in his absence to which towels he should take with him.
Regardless of your feelings about the unaccompanied tour—which may be mixed, to say the least—do your part, as you would with any Foreign Service transfer. For better or for worse, your spouse needs your help, and you don’t want to start off a year of separation with resentment on either side.
Take care of yourself.
You may be thinking that with your spouse gone, you have less time for yourself. Practically speaking, this may be true. But you have to make time. Bend the rules. Have peanut-butter sandwiches for dinner and take a walk instead of cooking. Let the housekeeping slide, or hire a cleaning service. Indulge in your favorite hobbies. Schedule a hair appointment now. Don’t let yourself have a bad hair year just because your spouse is out of town!
Get moving!
If you already exercise regularly, don’t stop (see taking care of yourself, above). If you don’t, now is the time to start. Do you know the saying about how an officer on an unaccompanied tour becomes either “a hunk, a chunk, or a drunk?” This also goes for spouses. Aim for “hunkette.” If you have small children, join one of the many gyms with free child care, and give yourself a break while getting in shape. Exercise is a natural anti-depressant, and besides, there is no better remedy for, er, loneliness, than a good workout. Exercise classes of various kinds, often included free with gym memberships, can be a social outlet as well.
Get help (and don’t wait for State to offer it).
If you having trouble sleeping, or are experiencing more serious problems with depression or anxiety, get some help. You can try accessing State Department resources, but I had better luck with my family doctor. Don’t feel silly about asking for help. Believe me, all you have to say is that your spouse is gone for a year, and they’ll get it. Use the word “deployed” if it makes things clearer. My own doctor told me that she had several other stressed-out patients who had military or Foreign Service spouses overseas. It’s a common ailment in the Washington area, and it’s perfectly normal to be a bit anxious or depressed under the circumstances. Please, let people take care of you!
On the other hand, as with any move, the worst part of the experience may be the days or weeks immediately preceding departure. Goodbyes suck, basically. We all know that feeling of relief at the end of a tour when the plane lifts off and the worst is over with. While I can’t speak for my husband, I know that, for the rest of the family, as soon as we could start adjusting to the “new normal,” things became easier.
Get busy--and stay that way.
If you are staying in the States, and particularly in the DC area, with its tight labor market, working is always an option. If you don’t want to work full-time, there are many part-time and freelance options as well. Remember, the point is not so much to make money (though that’s always nice), but to get out of the house, interact with adults, and stay busy. A $10/hour job in a bookstore can serve that purpose just as well as a more professional position.
If flexibility is a high priority for you, studying for a degree of some kind might be a good option. Or, just sign up for some of the many classes offered through the local parks service, school systems, and community centers. You can take anything from foreign languages to belly dancing, and usually at a very low cost. This is also a good way to keep your kids occupied!
Volunteering is also a flexible option for staying busy. Schools are always in need of volunteers, just as a start. Even if you are not the “PTA type,” and don’t like to organize events, you can help out in the library, with school gardening projects, as a classroom assistant of some kind, or as a newsletter or website coordinator. Non-profits of all kinds are always looking for volunteers in the DC area. Check out www.helping.org to find opportunities of interest to you.
Set personal goals.
If you own your home, now would be a good time to work on some renovation or gardening projects. If you rent, or if redecorating is not your thing, tackle some other personal project, like organizing the family photos, researching the family tree, decluttering the basement, putting finances in order, or developing an mp3 music collection. Try to look at this year as an opportunity to focus on such projects, especially in that lonely time after the kids go to bed. It will help to accomplish something, rather than just mark time.
If you have older kids, they can get involved. We spent the early part of this summer redecorating my teenage daughter’s bedroom, and switching my son’s bedroom with my home office. Was any of this absolutely necessary? Of course not, but it kept us busy, provided a welcome change of routine, and everyone is happy with the results.
Get out of the house.
Even the most die-hard introverts have social needs, and even the most devoted parents need to get away from their kids once in a while. Unfortunately, unlike your spouse, who is likely to be quite busy with dinner invitations, poker parties, and all those other diversions people come up with at backwater posts, you are not going to be on most people’s radar screens in Washington DC. Everyone is busy, busy, busy! It is going to be entirely up to you to maintain contact with other adults. Make a project of it. Get involved in work or activities as listed above, but try to go beyond that, setting up lunch dates, and attending functions and meetings you might not have bothered with when your spouse was in town.
Since I work from home, I made a rule for myself that I would try to attend every single event I was invited to this year. For the most part, I have stuck to it. I have also kept up a steady schedule of lunch, coffee, and walking dates with friends and acquaintances in the area. As an introvert, this does not come naturally to me, and is something I had to set my mind to, but I really think it’s been good for me to make socializing a priority in my life for a change. I am counting it as a benefit of this tour.
Don’t forget to eat real food.
OK, eating kid food for a year is not high on my list. I have a daughter who doesn’t eat vegetables, and a son who eats like a five year old (or three or four five year olds!) There are days when I think I’ll go crazy if I see one more hot dog. I really do miss civilized dinners with my husband. But, now I am eating like a grownup at least some of the time. It was initially hard to work up any enthusiasm for cooking only for myself but then I got really desperate. A few weeks after my husband left, I cooked a big chicken pot pie and froze most of it in sandwich containers. I have also made up crockpot curries to last all week, and discovered that a quiche is a great way to use up leftover vegetables and lasts a long time in the fridge. My next project will be spinach lasagna. So there are some nights when my kids eat leftover pizza and grapes, while I dine on a homemade casserole, steamed vegetables, and a single-serving bottle of wine (I didn’t know these were sold in the supermarket until my husband was gone!) Does it really matter what the family eats as long as we share the same table? I have decided that it does not!
Develop team spirit.
Speaking of kids, single parenthood can represent a golden opportunity, especially if you have older children. Suddenly they really are needed around the house. I have asked mine to help me with everything from housecleaning to moving furniture, and generally, they have been willing to pitch in. I have also paid them for yard work. I will not pretend that my kids are as helpful and responsible as they could be, but I can say that my husband’s absence has engendered more team spirit than existed previously. Before, when it came to chores, it was often parents versus children. Now the kids and I are all on the home team together--at least some of the time.
Enjoy your stay in D.C.
The prevalence of unaccompanied tours is a new phenomenon, but an occasional tour in Washington has always been expected in the Foreign Service. Perhaps my attitude is partly a result of already being in DC when my husband was posted overseas, but I choose to look at this experience as being a part of our tour of duty here, and adjust my expectations accordingly. No amount of money can ever make up for my husband being gone for a year. But, we were living here successfully for three years before he started earning hardship and danger pay, and before I started collecting $1,200 per month in Separate Maintenance Allowance.
I would be the first to agree that SMA cannot possibly support a family Stateside. But it’s also true that Foreign Service families have been getting by one way or another in Washington for a long time. And many of us enjoy it. Yes, you will have to be careful with your money. But this city has a great deal to offer and much of it is affordable or even free. In short: don’t sit around waiting for the State Department to give you more money. Make a budget, live within your means, and enjoy your stay here!
And, finally…
The toughest part of a separated tour is, of course, separation. But, really, it’s just a different way of being married. Foreign Service marriages, particularly with school age children involved, are a bit intense. We are always working out logistics of one kind or another, always planning for the next tour, and doing all the normal family stuff, too! In a way, it can be nice to get away from sharing every little detail of each other’s lives and focus on the original friendship. It can even be a bit romantic. After nearly twenty years of marriage, I once again have a “boyfriend” who calls me just to hear my voice. And, if he calls when the kids are in school, we talk, sometimes for as much as an hour, uninterrupted. This is OK by me!
Try to stay in touch in lots of little ways. I post lots of photos online for my husband, of everything from kids’ activities to shots of our garden in bloom. In turn, he posts photos of his travels. I send care packages of Trader Joe’s goodies, and throw in some of the kids’ papers so he can see what they are doing in school. No gesture is too small. We also play Scrabble online together, which gives us a point of contact at least once a day, sometimes several in a really competitive game! (It’s nice to know that he’s thinking of me, even if it’s in the context of trying to clean my clock with a seven-letter word!)
I am not a fan of the “new” Foreign Service. I much preferred the days when we could realistically say that we’d go anywhere but the one thing we’d never do was an unaccompanied tour. My husband did not go to an unaccompanied post because he wanted to—he went because, for various reasons, he had to. None of us were happy about it. But, I think we’ve made the best of the situation, all considered, by being as proactive and positive as possible. I hope these tips will help you make the best of your unaccompanied tour, when that happens, as it probably will. And remember, this, too, shall pass!