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The Cyberspouse: February, 2005
The Cyberspouse Makes Her House a Home
The Cyberspouse has lived in a number of State Department furnished houses and apartments over the years. From Africa to Europe, they have one thing in common: ugly, outdated, impractical furniture!
Many newcomers to the Foreign Service wonder if their furniture was chosen by their predecessors. As a relative old-timer, the Cyberspouse would like to assure those who are a bit damper behind the ears that this is not the case. Foreign Service furniture has been the bane of diplomatic families for as long as anyone can remember. And the odd thing is that no one seems to be fully certain who is in charge of picking out our "suites." Perhaps there is no one who wishes to be held responsible. In any case, it was the Cyberspouse's experience during five Foreign Service posts that as often as one might close one's eyes, tap one's dainty heels together, and wish for it all to disappear, the dreaded furniture is here to stay, along with flat white walls and polyester drapes.
So, how is a person of relative taste to survive in such an aesthetically inhospitable environment? The Cyberspouse has a few suggestions.
1.) Get slipcovers. The one positive thing that the Cyberspouse can say about those brocade sofas is that they come in just one shape and two sizes. There are only a couple of types of chairs as well. So, invest in slipcovers from an online outlet such as surefit.com or potterybarn.com, or if you live in a country where upholstering is inexpensive, have slipcovers made to order. It's a small investment for two to four years of use, and the chances are very good that you will be able to use them again in your next post. Slipcovers are also an excellent way to protect those white sofas that are always mysteriously allocated to families with small children.
2.) Cover everything else with textiles. If you live in one of the many countries where handmade textiles are cheap and colorful, buy a bunch of them. The Cyberspouse's ponderous, scratched-up, Queen Anne dining table was covered with Bolivian carrying cloths for years. With the addition of a couple of Mexican shawls draped over the sofas, and plenty of Guatemalan weavings on top of end tables and coffee tables, she could hardly see the furniture at all! She has seen other houses with inexpensive Turkish carpets thrown over everything. Usually, these textiles are practically indestructible: after all, they were made to be scrubbed on rocks in the river! (If you do not live in a country blessed with a rich textile heritage, you might try shopping for some interesting weavings or batiks on eBay.)
3.) Invest in a good entertainment center, since the State Department has never considered these to be necessary furniture. The Cyberspouse firmly believes that nothing is tackier than a big TV sitting on top of a Drexel dresser in your living room. At the very least, no house with a female in residence should ever display such an object. Buy one at Ikea, already packed flat for your departure, or have one made at post if you live in one of the carpentry countries. You will not regret it.
4.) Buy some bookshelves. The Cyberspouse has observed that FSOs read a lot. That could have something to do with passing the Foreign Service exam, actually. Oddly enough, they also tend to marry people who read a lot. And then have children who read a lot. So why, queries the Cyberspouse, are Foreign Service families supplied only two bookshelves per house? And why are Foreign Service children allocated top-heavy bookshelves ideal for climbing on and toppling over? This is, no doubt, a deep and complex question, but until it is answered, invest in a couple of extra bookcases to carry around the world with you.
5.) Consider a computer desk. To the Cyberspouses' knowledge, twenty years after the advent of the personal computer into American homes, the State Department has not ordered a single computer desk, nor a comfortable desk chair to go with it. Foreign Service families everywhere sit in Queen Anne dining chairs answering their email on computers perched atop "escritoires" and wondering why their backs hurt. So, bring at least one computer desk and ergonomic desk chair wherever you go.
6.) Be warned: State Department lamps are perfectly designed for falling over on curious children and pets. Drexel, perhaps in consultation with the Department security, has designed lamps that double as weapons. No need to keep a baseball bat under the bed: twenty pounds and three feet of faux brass will knock the stuffing out of any intruder. But if you'd rather just use your lamps for reading, bring along a few lamps of your own. Most lamps will work just fine on either 110 or 220 volts, with an appropriate plug adapter and local lightbulb. (And keep the Drexel lamp under the bed!)
7.) Can't take those dingy white walls any longer? Just paint them. Yes, go ahead, the Cyberspouse gives you permission. If you'd rather not devote a great deal of time to the project, try painting just one wall in your living room, and see how much warmer and inviting the place becomes. Or jazz up your kids' room by painting a mural on the wall. Stick-on borders are also an option, or stenciling. Just be prepared to remove, or prime over, anything you change about the walls in your quarters. While the Cyberspouse has found that most GSOs do not require this, as the house must be repainted between occupants anyway, you are still technically (and morally) obliged to bring the house back to its original condition.
8.) Take the cheap polyester curtains down and bury them in the backyard. No, wait, the Cyberspouse didn't really mean that. Just stash them in the attic or garage. You probably can't replace all of the curtains in your house, but it might be worthwhile to replace them in a couple of rooms. Or just take them down to let the sun shine in. You can use your textile collection this way as well: with the addition of Ikea curtain clips, the Cyberspouse was able to use Zambian batik wrap skirts as curtains in her dining room. No sewing required!
9.) Collect "ethnoplunder." The Cyberspouse will now reveal a top diplomatic secret. The real reason that Foreign Service spouses shop so much is not boredom, or a magpie complex. It is all part of a master plan to cover up and distract attention from their furniture. Any experienced diplomatic spouse knows that there is nothing like the biggest African basket you can buy sitting on a table to distract attention from the table itself. Interesting artwork and hangings on the walls of your dining room draw attention away from the clunky dining set. Filling a dowdy china cabinet with colorful ceramics will make the cabinet itself seem to disappear. And so on.
With all the moving around that Foreign Service families do, it is easy to think of each house or apartment as merely a way station. It's hard sometimes to get motivated to make a house your home, when you know you will be leaving in a couple of years. The Cyberspouse firmly believes, however, that a few hours spend creatively customizing and decorating your quarters will pay off in terms of your family's psychological and physical well-being.
If you are not a Queen Anne person, you will never completely be
at ease in a home that reminds you of your grandmother's house.
If fake bamboo reminds you of a Chinese restaurant, that may bother
you even more. Cover that furniture up as best you can. If flat
white walls make you think of an insane asylum (as one of the Cyberspouse's
neighbors once put it), then by all means, paint a few of them!
If you work at home, please, please do not suffer at a desk that
was designed for writing brief thank-you notes or sorting calling
cards instead of typing for hours. Invest in the equipment that
you need to be comfortable. And if you harbor dreams of cute bedrooms
for your kids, don't let Drexel stop you from realizing them. A
little paint, a bookshelf, a lamp or two, and you are all set. It
may be government quarters, but it's also your home!
The Cyberspouse is contributed by Kelly Bembry Midura, website designer, freelance writer, stay-at-home parent, and veteran Foreign Service Spouse. Click here to read more "Cyberspouse" columns. Email Kelly at kelly@aafsw.org.