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Life as an Ambassador's Wife
Have you ever wondered what life is like for spouses married to those at the highest levels of the Foreign Service? We discussed this question with Marilyn Pifer, wife of Ambassador Steven Pifer, our U.S. Ambassador to Ukraine.
I have deep roots in Colorado; my parents still live in the same house in Denver where I grew up. (Perhaps that has given me the security to enjoy the globe-wandering life.) I met my future husband at college in California, then moved to Washington, DC after earning my Master's in biology, and shortly after he had passed the Foreign Service oral exam. I visited Steve at his first Foreign Service assignment in Warsaw, and we got married when he was posted back to Washington. I finished my Ph.D. in molecular biology, and shortly thereafter we moved to Moscow. In Moscow, I worked as an exchange fellow at the Institute of Molecular Biology of the USSR Academy of Sciences. I believe I was the first dependent at Embassy Moscow to work for a Soviet institution -- others had worked as correspondents or for other foreign organizations, but none was earning rubles on the local economy. When my fellowship ran out six months before our departure from Moscow, I took a PIT position in the Embassy's Science & Technology section, not anticipating how much I would enjoy it, or that it would mark the shift of my career from science into science policy. We returned to Washington from Moscow, and I was hired by the Oceans, Environment, & Science Bureau at the State Department to work on science & technology cooperation issues. During our next overseas posting in London, I worked with the University of Manchester's science policy program, and on our return to Washington I again worked with the OES Bureau until our move to Kiev.
Before you came to Kiev, what were your expectations of your role as wife of the Ambassador? Did the realities match your expectations?
I expected that the "Wife Of" role would involve finding a balance between two opposing perceptions: Embassy Morale Officer, helping set the tone for the community, and Most Despised Person in the Embassy, an authority figure who must be obeyed, but who has no real authority at all, and whose requests are therefore all unreasonable. During our Ambassadorial orientation course, the folks at the Overseas Briefing Center took pains to clarify that the "job" carries no actual requirements, but that there are many and varied expectations (just like many Foreign Service Spouse "jobs", only more so). I also hoped that, in addition to managing the household staff, I would find at least part-time employment in my field after two or three months at post. In reality, I greatly underestimated the amount of effort it takes to run an official residence. Nothing in my background prepared me for the frequency, style, or size of the entertaining we do here. I had very little experience as a manager, and am hugely grateful for a competent house staff, but the accounting alone takes far more time than I expected. Other community events also claim a great deal of my time. After a few very busy months, I gave up on the idea of holding a regular job. I lean now more toward the traditional-spouse role than I expected to. Planning community and official events can be gratifying (especially the children's holiday parties) and I appreciate the core of committed volunteers at Embassy Kiev who always pitch in to help. I have tried to keep my unreasonable requests to a minimum!
With such a visible role, your life must be "under a microscope." How does that affect you and your family?
It's a very abnormal life we lead. We are guarded, saluted, escorted, photographed, interviewed (!), coddled, and catered to. We live in a grand residence that also serves as hotel, banqueting hall, and community center. I've done nothing to deserve any of this, except make an astute choice of husbands. I expected to be easily recognizable in the American community here, but I wasn't prepared to be a minor celebrity in the foreign and local communities. I find it somewhat odd, but gratifying, that I can use that celebrity status to champion a worthy event or cause, and I am happy to do so when asked. I still retain more anonymity than my husband does, but I don't much like the idea that I could be recognized when I go out shopping on a bad hair day. The celebrity status definitely has its advantages, though. Beyond the expected elbow-rubbing with dignitaries and playing hostess to high-level visitors, I have other opportunities here I couldn't dream of elsewhere. I was thrilled this year to appear with the Kiev Symphony Orchestra to narrate their July 4th performance of Aaron Copland's "Lincoln Portrait" this year in the Kyiv Opera House, a privilege catalyzed by my visibility. It's hard to keep our seven-year-old daughter from being a bit spoiled, and reentry back to normal life at the end of our tour may be difficult for her. (Giving up her huge bedroom will hurt!) Her friends, of course, know that her Dad is the Ambassador, and some treat her a little differently. She loves it when her picture appears in the press but she quickly became jaded about seeing Daddy on TV. We try to emphasize the general advantages of an international childhood (exposure to different cultures, experiences, and points of view) and steer her away from the laziness and conceit which the lifestyle could tempt her into.
How do you achieve a balance between your family responsibilities and your representational ones?
One decision I made early on was that I was not needed at every representational event my husband hosts. If spouses are not included in an event (which they frequently are not), I generally do not attend. At first it seemed strange not to attend dinners in my own house, but I appreciate the ability to spend time with my daughter or catch up on paperwork. (Being outside the official event also frees me to check on preparations in the kitchen and deal with crises as they arise -- which occur more often than our guests ever know.) Another early decision was not to engage a nanny for our school-age daughter. This forces me to arrange my schedule to be home when she comes home from school. The after-school-time with her has proven particularly valuable since we so frequently have to leave her with a babysitter in the evenings.
You have a PhD in Molecular Biology, yet you are not working as a molecular biologist. Is this frustrating? How do you achieve a sense of professional fulfillment outside your chosen profession?
Yes, of course it's frustrating. I have always defined myself largely on the basis of my studies or work, and it is hard to confront the fact that I am not utilizing my education or credentials. (Writing "Occupation: not employed" always makes me shudder.) I hope I will be able to go back to science policy work in the future, but realistically my opportunities will be limited by my absence from the field. If I were more energetic I could perhaps be studying or even telecommuting to improve my future prospects, but I don't have the discipline needed to put aside the immediate opportunities in favor of a longer-term career investment. On the other hand, I chose this path. I have always encouraged my husband in his career decisions, and by any measure he has done extremely well. As a result, I have had nearly twenty years of amazing, unforgettable experiences primarily because of where his career has led us. Here in Kyiv, I'm learning new administrative and management skills and I have the chance to pursue my long-dormant passion for amateur theatre. Perhaps sacrificing my professional fulfillment is an acceptable price to pay for such an interesting life.
You are widely known in many different circles in Kiev for your contributions to the Open Door Theatre. Where did your love affair with theatre begin?
Probably in elementary school, but I really became hooked in high school and college. I always wondered how I would balance my intended career in science and my love of being on stage, and for a long time after college I just resigned myself to not acting. I never predicted that I would resuscitate my old skills here in Kiev -- just proves that no knowledge is ever wasted!
How did you become involved in the Kiev theatrical scene?
About three weeks after we arrived at post, the fledgling English-language theater group put on its second production. The Embassy's Community Liaison Officer appeared in that show, and when I expressed my interest, she made sure I knew about the next auditions. I tried out, got a role, and I have been involved in each of the three ODT shows since, either acting, directing, producing, or all of the above. I'm proud that our audiences have grown from about 150 for the third show to over 2000 for the most recent production, and that the troupe now includes nearly as many Ukrainian English speakers as expatriates.
What are some of your current projects?
We are in rehearsal for a comedy entitled "Play On!" which will open in October. It's about a community theater group putting on a play, with actors forgetting their lines, sound effects coming in at the wrong time, and a dingbat playwright who keeps changing the script. I play the director of the play-within-the-play -- this means I get to do a lot of yelling! In December, we plan to produce Kiev's first-ever British pantomime. "Panto" is a highly stylized theatrical form traditionally performed at Christmastime in England: a well-known fairy tale is retold in fractured form, with comic songs, a good fairy, a Principal Boy (played by a girl), a Dame (played by a man), and lots of audience participation. (We'll probably work in some Y2K jokes as well.) One of the more gratifying aspects of my theatre work here in Kiev is the opportunity to impart grassroots business skills to Ukrainian English speakers. We have many Ukrainian students in the troupe, and they have the chance to be involved with all phases of production, including finding and negotiating for a theater in which to perform, scrounging for props and costumes, raising sponsorship money, and designing publicity materials. Nurturing a show from start to final curtain is an exhilarating experience, especially in a society in which for years the government supported (and controlled) the arts. It's useful for talented young people here to learn just how much a small, determined group can accomplish on its own.
We're beginning to plan for the American table at the annual International Women's Club Charity Bazaar, a Kiev event which grows each year and which raises tens of thousands of dollars for local charities. I'm also involved in an effort to provide housing to communities in Western Ukraine, and I'm supporting a new theatrical endeavor (spearheaded by Music Mission Kiev) to produce American musicals in the Ukrainian language with local music conservatory students.
You are actively involved in the Kiev community and are making the most of your time here. Based on your experiences in Kiev and in your other Foreign Service posts, do you have any suggestions for others on how to make the most of an overseas experience?
Be flexible (but anyone in the Foreign Service already knows that). Think about what's REALLY important to you when you have a decision to make; for me it's keeping my family together, staying intellectually active, and feeling like I'm doing something worthwhile. Be alert to unexpected opportunities, and be bold in exploiting them. Strive to be the kind of person you admire.